1
the awfulness of feeling insincere
about everything you do, the way you write
a poem that says "i think of traffic lights
the way they go
from green to yellow to red. all night long."
i was walking to your house with you in november
you were saying you could make a movie out of my life
you could star in it, you said.
i'm too ugly to star in a movie about my life, i said.
and i remember i could see my breath.
2
in june you said,
"i am leaving. it is june."
i read proust under my sheets
and felt a sadness that entered my body through the lungs
and was absorbed into my bloodstream
into each blood cell
eventually i had 4, 304, 795 sad red blood cells.
they listened to joy division together at microscopic sad listening parties
and i breathed in very hard
3
september, i was a chainlink fence
i was steel and hard and grey
and everyone just wanted to get past me
i walked to the supermarket by myself
i held my breath the entire time
and felt like
i was in a horribly low budget movie
